Hiding. A name?

Hi Mamie Rose,

You may have noticed, by the way I signed off on the last two letters, that I seem to be conflicted about some things. If you noticed and thought this, you would be right.

Some things are changing quickly and that’s a good sign. I think it is, anyway. I started out wanting to use a pen name for these letters but here we are, three letters in, and I am changing my mind already.

The whole idea of names and ownership is complicated for me, on a number of levels. I’ve spent two weeks trying to understand and deal with some of my woundedness in this area, thinking it would make it easier to decide what to do here. I can’t say I’ve made any significant headway but there has been a little progress at least and I find that encouraging.

To be honest, I was hoping for a resolution to the whole issue. I was hoping I could grapple with it once and for all and call it done. An unrealistic expectation I know.

It should be possible to tackle one small facet of the issue though so I think I will choose to do that and be content with this much for now

It is decision time on the question of anonymity versus full disclosure in relation to whatever it is that is going on here. I guess technically it is a blog but since I’m only talking to you, Mamie, it doesn’t feel like one.

So, what was my thinking behind anonymity, anyway?

My natural inclination has always been to hide. A learned coping mechanism. This is a really big deal to me. If I couldn’t physically hide from you, the next weapon would be to withhold my name. I know, it’s an illusion to think that would do anything to hide me, but the act of withholding my name did make me feel like I had some control.

It’s easy to hide here – behind words. Withholding my name adds another layer to the practice of hiding, definitely a backward step if I’m trying to move forward.

With each passing day I am feeling more and more convinced that I need to step out into the open and take ownership of my story.

It will be a leap of faith.

I can’t see into the future to gage the impact of this decision but even so, I believe it will be worth it.

With the signing of my real name, and the change of focus in blog content there would be an advantage to switching from private to public. We were headed in that direction anyway, I think, this has just sped things up a little.

The picture in my head for this blog has suddenly changed dramatically.

The original concept was based on a support group a few of us attended years ago. The vision was a safe place to meet to share our struggles and  victories with like minded people. This still needs to happen, I think, but a significant event has turned the first idea on it’s head.

Have you ever heard a song writer, or any kind of writer really, say that inspiration hit and the whole song was just there, like it was fed to them?

That’s what’s happened to me. You have to understand how amazing this is. I’ve made many public declarations (in my writers group and other places) that I am a reader not a writer.  I’ve publically declared there are no stories in me, despite the fact I read fiction  voraciously. It’s true….. I have yet to come up with a story for any of the prompts we were given in group.

Mamie Rose, something happened to me one afternoon, and you became as real to me as my friends. The story was fleshed out in my head that day and is just as real now as it was then…… if not more so.

I have no real idea of where all this will take us but I trust the inspiration and I know we have to do this. I can see some possibilities but only time will tell.

We still need a place to chat though and the vision I have for that is an inviting coffee shop where we will feel safe. Spending time with friends, sharing our hearts. I’ll open a shop (another blog site) when I can come up with a good name. I visualize something that blends safety with coffee. A fireplace, easy chairs, enticing drinks and baked goods. Let me know if you have any awesome suggestions. I was thinking Safe Harbor but… while it’s safe – it’s not soft enough, in my mind.

Well, I’ve gotten rather carried away with this discussion, Mamie Rose, and I didn’t mean to. You are a good listener and I appreciate it. It does help me sort things out sometimes so I guess that is a good thing.

I’m hoping my friends Alexis Rose and Marnie will weigh in on this discussion and let me know what they think about the whole thing. Especially the coffee shop part; and maybe if the rambling makes any sense. Feedback – that’s what is needed here. 🙂

‘Til next time,

Janette

P.S. Merry Christmas …. two more days and it will be here. Wishing you all the best.

 

 

 

 

 

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